Ah, I have finally written another post! It is a great shame that I have not written in such a long time! Being able to type my thought again has is already making me feel so much better. This semester has been a horribly busy one, and I have already reached its middle! I honestly cannot fathom when the summer ended and when the fall began. My summer melted into my fall without letting me know, and I am starting to wear from the fatigue. Haha, my rhetoric is getting old is it not? I have definitely written about this before. However, I must admit the dynamics are completely different this time around. With the passing of time, I am nearing that “graduation” milestone. Unfortunately, it is a milestone that has plagued me with worry and doubts about my future. However, before I enter into the morose, let me first say that coupled with the odd vulnerability I have encountered this semester, I have also had some of the most amazing experiences ever. This semester more than any other I have reminded myself how absolutely blessed I am to have the people that enrich my life on a daily basis. I have had the grand opportunity of meeting so many different and interesting individuals, and they each have left a definite impression. There is not use in listing all these wonderful individuals down online, I have my wonderful journal that I have lovingly filled to the brim with all my thoughts, joys, apprehensions, hopes, and hectic schedules! I recently bought a new notebook in fact. It’s creamy pages beckon, but at the same time intimidate me. I wonder what new thoughts will sprinkle its pages! To add to the wonderful people I’ve encountered, I also had the opportunity to go to an Incubus concert this past September. There are no words to express how much it impacted me. Writing about it right now makes my eyes swell with tears. There is a very special connection an individual has with their favorite band. It is a connection that not many understand or appreciate, but its strength does not waver. My absolute love for that band did the exact opposite of waver, it grew to a mature appreciation of what they have given me. It was a fantastic experience. I must admit however, as wonderful as that experience was, my preoccupations of this semester came disturbingly close to having me diminish, and even slightly regretting the decision to go in the first place. However, with the power use of hindsight, I know that I will never allow my schedule to have such an impact. It is just that I have been going through a lot, and my fortitude seems to be cracking day by day. Following my rigorous summer schedule, I was not able to properly prepare myself for the challenges that my 3rd year would bring. That lack of preparation has made me feel so unstable, and very vulnerable. I used to pride myself for being a good listener, and being able to internalize my feelings, but this semester I find myself being a constant talker, and sadly a complainer. It is a position that I am very unaccustomed to, and I long for the time when I did not feel an urge to complain and tell everyone my “business.”
My new actions may be a reaction to years of bottling up my deepest insecurities and doubts, but it nonetheless my way of functioning. Now, the pressure has been augmented, and I feel the constant need to scream, talk, cry, and complain. I have spoken to many of my older friends, and they told me this feeling is very common for juniors in University, so I am not too worried about the phase, but my reasoning does not detract from the overwhelming responsibilities I have placed on my own shoulders. Right now I have 2 jobs (3rd job is only during football games) which I spend a total of 15 hours doing, a video-production internship through the Department of Biological Sciences, continued photography pursuits, two documentaries to film, a film contest, and loads upon loads of school work that I have to all juggle with my mental, physical, social and spiritual health. Speaking to a friend tonight, I have come to the conclusion that I have definitely bitten off more than I can chew. In fact, the food is getting dangerously close to being stuck in the middle of my throat. It is all this and more that has taken permanent residence in my mind, and although many think I completely my days with gaiety and joy, it is the things that I mentioned already that really occupy my day and my attitude. Notwithstanding, I am very quick to remind myself of all the wonderful opportunities I have, and how my diligence, loyalty, and demeanor has allowed me to acquire all the opportunities that I have. Overall, I recognize a serious duality with my life. On one hand, I am very happy with the fact that I DO live a relatively “care-free”, “drama-free” life. However, there are definitely other worries that take the place “care-free” and “drama-free” left in my psyche. I am just ready to be the balanced “Dali” I thought I was last semester. I really don’t know where she went. This semester, she has become a sleepier, lazier, more neglectful, dirtier, more forgetful, and less spiritual. Here’s to finding where “Dali” really is!